To think how much we have evolved in the past 13 years is truly staggering. We knew each other only six weeks (not a typo) when we got married. The intensity of the lows in our marriage could only have been endured by the grace of God. Yet year 12 was the best, even with multiple careers and adding a 5th kid to our crew. So how did it happen? What changed? We don’t begin to claim we have everything right, but from two humans who have truly seen the best and worst of each other, we humbly share what has made the difference for us.

1. Change

If we could go back in time to when we first met, and show ourselves the versions we would become in 13 years, we would say no freakin way. We both had so much baggage, so many insecurities. Deep rooted issues that got taken out on each other. Our likes, dislikes, world views… all COMPLETELY different. And for many years we lived with souls separate and yet physically together. Best friends on a surface level, but enemies deep down. I always tried to figure out who he wanted me to be, tried to be the perfect housewife and like the things he liked. But eventually we learned to accept the other the way they are, and the lines of evolution became joined. Somehow, the more we changed and accepted change, the more we somehow found our passions, likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams to be in harmony. If someone says “you’ve changed.” reply “we’re supposed to.”

2. Heal

I used to live with the regret that I didn’t heal before we got married. But healing from pain and trauma isn’t something that just happens and is done. I see each person’s life as an intricate tapestry. Colors and patterns represent the ebb and flow of life, the heartbreak and joy, big moments and small that shape who we are. And I no longer have a single regret for the 33 years that built who I am today. Healing is a daily commitment to surrender and humility. In marriage, it’s a journey alone and together. Healing requires vulnerability, which is only possible with a high level of trust. Trust is earned. For years we both lived numb to emotion. That’s a result of shoving down trauma over and over. Yet when we were intentional about learning to feel, all those synergistic pieces of trust, healing and vulnerability flowed together.

3. Respect

There’s a BS book called Love & Respect. It’s good in theory, but very toxic in the way it approaches these topics in marriage. Basically it says that men need respect and women need love. To try and say you love someone while disrespecting them is impossible. Respect is the core of real love. Respect is showing the other person they matter by actions louder than words. Respect is putting the other before themself. It is affirming their value and worth, caring for their emotions even when you don’t always agree. Respect is one of the biggest keys to that beautiful cycle of trust, healing and vulnerability.

4. Communication

We didn’t always have the best role models when it came to communication. And it’s been a long road trying to get it right (we definitely still fail at it sometimes). But good communication is rooted in respect and trust. (See a trend?) We are learning that when arguments arise, sometimes it’s best to put down our pride and take a chill before continuing the conversation. When pride and rage are involved, rationality goes out the window. As parents, we notice tantrums are often based off of basic needs not being met. Sleep, attention and nutrition are often culprits. The often is true with friction in marriage. Check in with each other. Are the other’s needs being met? Often miscommunication causes unfounded beliefs about your spouse’s intentions. You start to believe the worst and it grows in your mind. Take a step back and talk to your partner to learn the truth. Be a listener, not just the talker.

Another thing to think about when it comes to communication is timing. As people who both struggle with ADHD, timing is really important. If I try to talk to Gabe about something deep when he’s working a project on the computer, it’s not going to go well. Or if he tries to snuggle as soon as I put kids to bed and I’m touched out, he we both would get frustrated. But a simple conversation telling him I need a few minutes to re-set before touching has been a game changer.

5. Prioritize

Your spouse needs to be number one. Before all others. I’m so deeply thankful that I’m not married to a mama’s boy. That’s not to say ditch your parents, but that umbilical cord needs to be cut when you get married. I’ve seen way too many marriages struggle when people run to their parents or friends instead of respectfully confronting their spouse first with issues.

6. Love Languages

Learn your love language, learn theirs. It’s a gamechanger knowing how your partner receives and shows love. My dear husband is a garbage gift giver. I used to really take it to heart, but he’s just not programmed with that as a strength. My primary love language is quality time, and that’s something we have really been prioritizing lately. Making memories and going on adventures has been monumental for us. His is physical touch. He needs hugs or any form of intimacy as much as he needs air. And as I have healed and learned to feel, I’ve discovered I need it just as much.

7. Forgive

Show each other grace. Pray. And show more grace. We are all sinners. Give the grace you want to receive.

We hope you have gotten something out of these tips. Whether you are engaged, newly weds, or married 60 years, there is always room for growth. Drop your tips in the comments or let us know which point helped you most!

Happy wife happy life (added by Gabe)